Response to an Old Friend

Yes, this blog is neglected. Facebook is essentially consuming any recreational Internet time I have, and I'm professionally busy writing a bunch of stuff that's appearing all over the Internet, but not under my own name. (Actually, this isn't my own name, either, but you know what I mean.) Anyway, look for me elsewhere as I start blogging about dogs at the end of the month. I'll give you the link when it's live.

But I came back to this blog and found several comments from friends on old posts, one of which is heartfelt, compelling and damning all at the same time. It was a response to my article about Keith Olbermann's special comment on Prop. 8. It was written thoughtfully, and it deserves a thoughtful response.

Her comments are in blue; my responses are in black.

I should be going home, but am going to stay to say one thing, J:

How does this alleged "required" daddy have to be one that is married to the mother? I, for one, was raised by three daddies and for a good portion of my upbringing by only one mommy. Yet, I turned out relatively well. In fact, many would say they think rather highly of me as an individual.

I think rather highly of you as an individual, too. I think you misunderstand the intent of my original post. It was not to denigrate any individuals raised in any circumstances. My best friend growing up lost his father to cancer at 16, and he and his four brothers were raised by a single mother. He turned out pretty well, too.

The point of my post was to define standards, not judge individuals, especially for circumstances beyond their control.

This may seem like a semantic distinction, but it's an important one. It's inconsistent to say, on the one hand, that marriage is irrelevant and superfluous, but, on the other hand, it's a violation of civil rights not to allow people to define marriage however they want. Either marriage matters, or it doesn't. And if marriage can be defined as anything anybody wants, then it doesn't.

To quote Harry Nilsson, "A point in every direction is the same as no point at all."

You say that research has shown that children need both a mommy and a daddy and that children have said as much, but how does one know unless they've experienced it first hand?

That's a question for the sociologists. All you and I have is anecdotal evidence, which, as far as I can tell, strongly suggests a universal desire for a mommy and a daddy. In my experience, children of divorce or children where one parent passes away are quick to acknowledge that the absence of one parent leaves a gaping hole in their lives, one which is never adequately filled by anyone else.

I'm betting you grew up in a family with a mommy and a daddy and they never divorced. Some would count you lucky. I just count you as a statistic. There are many children who grow up in amazingly loving homes and learn to become valuable members of society without such an upbringing as I'm assuming you've had.

Of course there are. There are also real jerks like me who are raised by two-parent households. But again, we're dealing anecdotally, not empirically. Does the ideal of the mommy and daddy family matter? The sociological data on that point is compelling, indeed. Among other things, the likelihood of a child being raised in poverty increases by 700% when the parents aren't married.

http://www.heartland.org/policybot/results/403/Illegitimacy_is_the_Major_Cause_of_Child_Poverty.html

The fact that you and thousands of others raised in nontraditional circumstances were still able to succeed spectacularly is a testament to your character and fortitude, as well as that of the rest of your family. It does not erase the societal need for marriage.

You're defining this issue purely on what YOU believe makes a family and limiting your beliefs to only that definition. And that makes me incredibly sad for you.

If it helps, it makes me sad that you're sad for me. I don't mean that facetiously. This is such an emotionally charged issue, and it's almost impossible to discuss without getting personal. I'm amazed at how many people will talk to me about this and, previously thinking I was a decent human being, they suddenly discover I'm secretly demonic and discount all the good they've ever seen in me. I would hope you'd be willing to think there's another explanation for my stand on this rather than the fact that I'm the devil.

For what it's worth, I think you're misrepresenting my position. I don't believe your family isn't a family, nor do I believe children with gay parents or divorced parents or unmarried, cohabitating parents or widowed parents or polygamous parents aren't in families. I'm not limiting the definition of the family at all. I'm saying that, all else being equal, the ideal circumstances for raising children is with a married mommy and a daddy.

And it also makes me think that your views somehow devalue my life and upbringing. It makes me think that because you are raising children in a family with a man and woman as husband and wife that anyone else raising a child without that construct is somehow less a valuable human. And that too makes me incredibly sad.

It would make me sad, too, if it were true. I think all human life is precious, and that, no matter what circumstances you are raised in, you are a child of God, who loves everyone infinitely, and no one more or less than anyone else. I really don't think anything I've said on this subject can be logically construed as a rejection of the value of any individual based on their family circumstances.

I have to stop now because just thinking about this is giving me a headache. And my heart hurts (literally) in my chest right now from the quote you shared too:

My mom had me out of wedlock. She had me on her own. And looking back I'm so glad she did.

As am I. The world is a better place with you in it.

Harry Reid and the Standard of Doubleness

Harry Reid referred to President Obama's light-skinned blackness and his lack of a "Negro" accent. Trent Lott, on the other hand, said nice things about a 100-year-old Strom Thurmond at his final birthday party without mentioning race at all.

"I Don't Know How In The World I Could Condone, Support Or Understand His Statements."

"'As closely as I've worked with him, I don't know how in the world I could condone, support or understand his statements,' said Reid, the Senate Democratic whip. 'I think what he said is not good for America; it's repugnant what he said.' 'If Republicans think it's best for Democrats to keep him there, maybe they'll get rid of him,' Reid said." (Tony Batt and Jane Ann Morriso, "Ensign Continues To Back Lott As Majority Leader," Las Vegas Review-Journal, 12/17/02)

Reid: Lott Had "No Alternative" But To Resign. "Sen. Harry Reid said Republican Senate leader Trent Lott's decision to relinquish his post Friday came as no surprise. 'He had no alternative,' the Nevada Democrat and Senate minority leader said. 'Senator Lott dug himself a hole and he didn't dig it all in one setting. He dug it over the years. And he couldn't figure out a way to get out of it.'" ("Nevada Lawmakers Not Surprised By Lott Resignation," The Associated Press, 12/20/02)

Congressional Black Caucus Called For Formal Censure On Lott. "In the days since, Democrats have heaped criticism on Lott. One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Senate Democrats were considering whether to call for a formal censure vote of the GOP leader, a suggestion first made Thursday by the Congressional Black Caucus and renewed after Lott spoke." (David Espo, "Lott Apologizes Again, Denounces Racism," The Associated Press, 12/13/02)

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY): Lott Should Not Be Renominated. "'My first hope is that he is not renominated,' Mr. Schumer said in an interview. 'The remarks that Senator Lott made come from the same type of insensitivity that we found in Judge Pickering and led us to the conclusion that he didn't merit promotion to a higher court. If anything, the reaction to Lott's comments reinforce that view.' If Judge Pickering is renominated, Mr. Schumer said, a rich Senate floor debate on race will be inevitable." (Neil A. Lewis, "Divisive Words: Judicial Appointments," The New York Times, 12/18/02)

Then-Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE): "You Cannot Be Insensitive To Race Issues From Positions Of Leadership." Biden: "Well, I--I think the Republicans have to come to the milk and decide what they want to do. Look, one thing we should have all learned by now, you cannot be insensitive to race issues from positions of leadership. And unfortunately for Trent, his comments are not measured just in the context of the incident where he made them but in the context of his whole record. ... They've got to define for themselves what kind of face they want to put on their party. And my guess is out of their self-interest, they may very well decide that--that Trent has to go." (CBS' "Face The Nation," 12/15/02)

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) On Lott: We Need Healers, Not Dividers. "'We need political leaders who are healers, not dividers,' Durbin said. 'I hope that Senator Lott's apology will translate into action and that he will advance policies that bring us together as a nation rather than pull us apart.'" (Dori Meinert, "Fitzgerald, Simon Support Lott In Racial Controversy," Copley News Services, 12/13/02)

Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) Called On Lott To Resign. "Sen. John Kerry, Massachusetts Democrat, urged Mr. Lott to resign as party leader because the remark would 'place a cloud over his leadership.'" (Stephen Dinan, "GOP Defends Lott's Intent," The Washington Times, 12/12/02)

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA): If A Democrat Leader Made Racial Comments, They Would Not Be Allowed To Keep Their Position. "'I can tell you, if a Democratic leader said such a thing, they would not be allowed to keep their position,' Sen. Mary L. Landrieu, Louisiana Democrat, said of Mr. Lott in 2002." (Joseph Curl, "Democrats Close Ranks Around Reid," The Washington Times, 1/11/10)... See More

Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR): Lott Is Out Of Touch With The Senate. "'The sentiments expressed by Senator Lott's words last week have no place in today's America,' Sen. Blanche Lincoln, a Democrat, said in a statement. 'If he truly believes a Strom Thurmond presidency would have been good for the country, then he is out of touch with the U.S. Senate and certainly with a great majority of Americans. Senator Lott owes the nation a thorough explanation of his words recorded in 1980 and again last week. Racism and bigotry once divided America and we cannot tolerate words that might send us back there.'" (Paul Barton, "Lott's Remarks Draw Arkansas Reproach," Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 12/12/02)

Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA): His Apology Doesn't Take Away The Sting Of His Remarks. Boxer: "His apology does not take away the sting of his divisive words, nor the pain inflicted on millions of African Americans under segregation." (Edward Epstein, "Bush Calls Lott's Remark 'Wrong'," San Francisco Chronicle, 12/13/02)

Dialogue Part II: Responding to apspitzer

For apspitzer's original comments in their original form, see the previous post.

I have much to say and little time today, but this one point I cannot let go: We did not go into Iraq to liberate anyone.

It was one of many reasons that Bush outlined for the Iraqi invasion from the outset. I quote from his October, 2002 speech in Cincinnati, in which he outlined the rationale for war with Iraq:

The lives of Iraqi citizens would improve dramatically if Saddam Hussein were no longer in power, just as the lives of Afghanistan's citizens improved after the Taliban.

The dictator of Iraq is a student of Stalin, using murder as a tool of terror and control, within his own cabinet, within his own army and even within his own family.

On Saddam Hussein's orders, opponents had been decapitated, wives and mothers of political opponents had been systematically raped as a method of intimidation, and political prisoners had been forced to watch their own children being tortured.

America believes that all people are entitled to hope and human rights, to the non-negotiable demands of human dignity.

People everywhere prefer freedom to slavery, prosperity to squalor, self-government to the rule of terror and torture.

America is a friend to the people of Iraq. Our demands are directed only at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us. When these demands are met, the first and greatest benefit will come to Iraqi men, women and children. The oppression of Kurds, Assyrians, Turkomen, Shia, Sunnis and others will be lifted, the long captivity of Iraq will end, and an era of new hope will begin.

If you take Bush at his word, and I do, then you concede that the liberation of the Iraqi people was on his mind well before the invasion.

We went in to gain a strategic position in the middle east.

Yes, we did. But that’s not the only reason. In humanitarian terms, Iraq was a greater success than, say, the aerial war against Bosnia, which was conducted with no congressional or UN approval. America had no strategic interest there other than to stop bloodshed. Just because Iraq is strategically more important than Bosnia, it doesn’t minimize the humanitarian benefits of eliminating Saddam.

Ousting Saddam was just substituting one form of mass murder for another.

That’s powerful rhetoric but factual nonsense. Coalition forces go to tremendous lengths to avoid civilian casualties.

Few in our military give a hoot about the Iraqi people.

The people I know in the military who have risked their lives to conduct this war have said otherwise. It’s all anecdotal, I suppose, but I’m far more likely to trust the word of a soldier than a critic.

All you have to do is watch a few of the hundreds of videos of our boys singing "burn motherfucker burn!" as they torch a house. They are not doing this because they are idealists. They are doing this because they can.

I suppose I should watch these videos, as this strikes me as a libelous assertion. Certainly it is not representative of the integrity of the military as a whole, which I continue to respect.

It is not true that conservatives are more likely to enlist.

Yes, it is – at least as of May, 2009 in the latest Gallup poll.

http://www.gallup.com/poll/118684/military-veterans-ages-tend-republican.aspx

The people that are most likely to enlist are poor and feel they have little other options, or come from families with a tradition of military service--It is just what they know.

That’s incorrect, too.

http://www.heritage.org/research/nationalsecurity/cda05-08.cfm

The just cause rationalization come after the fact. If the issue was WMDs, then we would have pulled out after the first few weeks when it became obvious that they had none.

It didn’t become obvious for at least a year after the war began, and at that point, pulling out would have been disastrous for everyone, especially the Iraqi people.

The WMD line was a scare tactic to sell the war to congress and the American people.

By “scare tactic,” are you suggesting that Bush didn’t believe it? Because all evidence suggests that he did. For more detail on this, I suggest Bush at War by Bob Woodward, hardly a Bush partisan.

The reason France and other countries were unwilling to act was because they were unconvinced. Accusing France of unwillingness to act (translated: cowardice) is an old propaganda based canard which does not hold up to real scrutiny.

“Although the French intelligence services were convinced WMD remained in Iraq, [French president Jacques] Chirac recognised that the intelligence services "sometimes intoxicate each other". His thinking "seemed to be dominated by the conviction that Iraq did not pose a threat that justified armed intervention".

http://www.acronym.org.uk/dd/dd77/77iraq.htm

That’s according to UN weapons inspector Hans Blix – again, hardly a Bush partisan.

Yes, they were unconvinced – not that Iraq wasn’t harboring WMDs, but rather whether that justified military action.

This is part (I believe) of what Gok is saying about drinking the koolaid. And there is plenty more koolaid to go around.

I like Hawaiian Punch.

A Dialogue re: Conservatives v. Liberals

A carry-over of a debate in another place. I won’t provide any more context than that, but I think you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Over the last decade, one has heard repeated cries of bafflement from conservatives on why liberals are not willing to keep the debate civil. Although it's incredulous how out-of-touch with brutal reality such a statement is, the repeated earnestness of the question makes me believe it is real and requires some addressing.

I can see we’re already off to a good start! It may seem magnanimous to respond to a question that is “out-of-touch with brutal reality,” but at the same time, it demonstrates an unwillingness to empathize with the other point of view. Essentially, you’re saying I’m nuts, but you’re willing to debate me anyway. Small comfort indeed.

One main difference between liberals and conservatives is empathy. Conservatives tend to reserve their empathy for their own family and personal circle, while liberals extend their empathy well beyond that.

Abject nonsense. This is the core of the problem. You’re unwilling to concede anything but base motives to those with whom you differ, whereas conservatives are happy to concede that liberal motives are pure, but the results of their behavior are not.

Ronald Reagan provides a great case in point. Reagan repeatedly said that he was trying to create a world where neither Russian nor American nor anyone else lived in fear of nuclear annihilation. Liberals refused to take him at his word and called him a warmonger, a dunce, a crazy zealot. They advocated a nuclear freeze and “détente” with a regime that had brutally slaughtered tens of millions of its own people. Reagan’s actions resulted in the end of the Cold War and the liberation of hundreds of millions of people living under totalitarianism. Yet he’s somehow not empathetic, whereas those who advocated looking the other way are?

For a conservative, to discuss injustices or atrocities outside their personal circle doesn't tend to hit very deep in terms of their personal feelings. Thus, they cannot understand when liberals get so impassioned about events outside their personal circle.

What you’re outlining is not factual, but rather your theory as to how someone like me could be so monstrous. It demonstrates a fundamental inability or unwillingness to see things from my point of view and accept me at face value.

In contrast, I don’t question your motives. I question your methods. During the Cold War, your pure motives and questionable methods advocated leaving hundreds of millions of people in bondage to a totalitarian nightmare. Why should you be applauded and I be vilified for that?

On the other hand, liberals often deeply and painfully feel the suffering of others, often to the point where it can feel like it is happening to them personally. For such a person, dispassionately discussing the issue is out of the question, because anyone who is advocating a position of atrocity or injustice is advocating more pain.

Other than comic book supervillains, who advocates a position of atrocity or injustice? Even Satan himself, Dick Cheney, has never stated that he took us to war to spread injustice and commit atrocities. Has it crossed your mind that, possibly, his intentions were not to spread the will of Beelzebub?

The position you’ve taken here, which is ostensibly tolerant and understanding, is actually remarkably rigid. It assumes absolute definitions for “atrocity” and “injustice” which fail to account for all circumstances. Pacifism in the face of Saddam’s unwillingness to disarm would have meant millions more Iraqi people would have died in mass graves, and millions more would leave in the shadow of tyranny. It would have meant that a murderous dictator could flout the will of the international community, destabilize the Middle East, and arm and aid terrorism with impunity. How is that a more just and less atrocious outcome?

I think it would help liberals if they framed their debates with conservatives in terms of the conservative's own family. You have to bring it back home. Make them imagine that these things are happening to their own neighborhood, their house, their children, their grandparents, and see how they feel.

What’s interesting about this is that conservatives are far more likely to enlist in the military than liberals are, which means that the things that are happening abroad are happening to them and their families. Conservatives are dying for these ideals, and the families they leave behind continue to support the war effort.

Engage empathy in that way. Things take on a different tone when you imagine them happening to the people you love. Conservatives need to be reminded that these are not academic questions. It's not logical to expect that people can "reach across the aisle" when that side of the aisle is perpetrating injustice, slashing rights, invading other countries, and massacring people. It's no longer an academic debate.

No, it’s not. The real-world consequences matter, and inaction means death, too. It’s stunning that we’re accused of “massacring people” when the evidence demonstrates that we’re doing everything in our power to protect and save lives. If we wanted to massacre Iraqis, Afghanis, or whatever else, we have a nuclear arsenal that could take care of that pretty quickly.

If someone publicly says, "I think it's ok for hundreds of thousands of people to be killed", when such events are presently happening, is it even reasonable for them to expect civil discussion? The question itself is not reasonable.

Who says that? By that logic, I could equally accuse you of saying “It’s OK for Saddam to murder millions of his own people.” But I wouldn’t, because, certainly, you don’t believe that.

I don't want to hear debates. I want to see engagement with the pain. I want to see real, visceral connection to the pain. I want to see immersion in the effects of the atrocities : the screams, the mourning, the crying.

There’s a very easy way to do this. Enlist.

Y'know, unpleasant stuff. Stuff no one wants to engage. But if you're going to justify pain, doesn't it make sense to feel at least some of that pain? Because, y'know, feeling it might change your perspective on it. It takes a little risk to step into the shoes of someone else, while justification is cheap.

Again, enlist.

So that difference in empathy and the degree of its extension I think to a great degree addresses the question.

Not at all. What it demonstrates is your unwillingness to empathize with our point of view. You provide an alternative explanation instead. That’s condescension, not empathy.

There is another point, and I just am at wit's end to be able to say it politely. It has to do with reality checks. And in that regard, for some time now, conservatives have --- well, how to put this? --- been swallowing the kool-aid. Meaning buying propaganda that is nothing but lies. And then putting forth those lies as if they were truths that are worthy of discussion. I know it hurts to be told that you're out of touch with reality, but if conservatives really, really want a worthwhile discussion with liberals, they're going to have to commit to losing some of their delusional connection to the world, and come back into the real world which lies outside the propaganda machine. I know that sounds insulting to conservatives, but there comes a point where you can't pull punches just to avoid insulting someone if you want to get the truth across.

There’s nothing but empty accusation in this paragraph. Indeed, Glenn Beck can – and does – say exactly the same thing, only he swaps out the word “liberal” for “conservative.” If there’s something factual I’m missing, let’s address it specifically. If not, then the libelous generalizations aren’t helpful when they’re employed by either side.

And when it comes to the truth, I'm sorry, but there's some things I'm just not going to debate. They're not up for discussion. Just as I don't sit on street corners trying to refute the propaganda of KKK members, I simply don't have the time nor energy nor desire to refute all the propaganda that has come out of the right wing in the last ten years.

That’s an easy dodge. To equate the Republican Party with KKK propaganda is intellectually lazy. Again, swap it out. If I were to say, “Just as I don't sit on street corners trying to refute the propaganda of Stalinistic communists and socialists, I simply don't have the time nor energy nor desire to refute all the propaganda that has come out of the left wing in the last ten years,” I haven’t said anything objectively useful, other than the fact that I equate all Democrats with Stalin, which says far more about me than it does about Democrats.

So we're not going to have a reasonable discussion about whether the Bush Administration thought there were WMD's in Iraq. Sorry, no. They knew, as all intelligent people knew, that there weren't any, it was a blatant lie, and an excuse to go to war to consolidate geopolitical strategy.

See, this is where this leads. By smearing us with generalities, you now feel justified in making a provably false statement. Every industrialized nation in the world had intelligence that Saddam had WMDs. So did the United Nations. Saddam was under obligation as part of his terms of surrender to demonstrate what he’d done with his stockpiles, and he refused to do so. George W. Bush drew the same conclusion about WMDs that France did, but Bush chose to act when France would not.

If the Bush administration was mendacious enough to lie us into war, then why didn’t they plant the weapons once they got there? We’ve been destroying America’s chemical weapons arsenal in Tooele, Utah for the past decade – why not take some mustard gas, fly it over, and stick it in a warehouse somewhere to be “discovered?”

I'm not going to have a discussion about its sincerity. There was never anything sincere about it. And if you think there was, no insult, but I mean this seriously --- you may want to talk to your therapist about it.

How can that be taken in any way but an insult? Who lacks empathy here? You’re saying it is impossible for anyone to view these facts and not reach the same conclusions you have without being insane.

Because that's the level of seriousness I'm going to give it. And if that makes it difficult for us to dialogue, c'lest la vie. Reasonable, intelligent conservation requires some footing in consensus reality.

Perhaps it does. If it’s helpful, I don’t think you live outside reality. It’s painful to accept that you think at least half of our nation does.

So that's my attempt to address this question. Conservatives who wish greater civility from their opponents need to demonstrate : 1) More empathy, and 2) More connection with actual reality.

Hope this was helpful.

It was, but likely not in the way you anticipated.

Christmas Report/Movie Reviews

I'm at an Internet cafe in Port Angeles, Washington, home of all manner of Twilight paraphernalia. (The town is much dumpier than it is in the books.) The lovely Mrs. Cornell is using my computer, so I have some time to kill, and what better way to kill time than blogging?

This blog featured prominently in one aspect of our Christmas. It seems that, growing up, Mrs. Cornell's family always opened one present on Christmas Eve, something that was verboten in the Cornell clan. However, Santa Claus always left us pajamas to wear on Christmas morning. So, as a compromise, we now open a present from our cats every Christmas Eve - and it's always pajamas.

This year, Mrs. Cornell decided to sew up a pair of pajama bottoms for everyone from scratch. I was put in charge of the pajama tops, and I got everyone a T-shirt printed with the code names I use for this blog. I now have a shirt that says "Stallion," and Mrs. Cornell has one that says "Mrs. Cornell," and so forth. Turns out the only kid who thought that was clever was Chloe. Cleta was absolutely disgusted.

"Everyone hates your blog!" she said. "You post gross things on there!"

We got her a cell phone for Christmas in a blatant attempt to buy her love. She turns 13 next week, and it seems teenager love is very, very expensive.

Driving 18 hours from Salt Lake to Port Angeles with five kids in tow is pretty brutal, and we were joined up here by Mrs. Cornell's sister's family, which also includes five kids. Ten kids and seven adults - Mrs. Cornell's brother came by, too - in one 1,500 square-foot home tends to make time spent in an Internet cafe very precious, indeed.

It also means more time at the movies.

Two days ago, I took the kids to see The Princess and the Frog at the Port Angeles downtown theater, but it turned out that Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel - "squeakuel" - was playing at the same time, and they wanted to see that. Yikes. So we did, sort of. That is to say, the dumpy PA movie theatre refused to turn off the lights or focus the projector, so what we saw was a bright, blurry mess. Which is not to say that it would have been better had it been more readily visible. I tried to fall asleep, but that's hard to do with the lights on. There's no point in reviewing the movie in any substantive way - it's exactly what you'd expect. If that floats your boat, then yippee turtles for you. For me, it was like getting a swirlie in an electrified toilet.

Much better was Avatar, which we sort of saw last night. I say "sort of" again because the picture wasn't blurry, although it wasn't in 3D. ("The 2D doesn't detract from the epicness!" the ticket seller told us. Swell.) The projector broke during the last twenty minutes, which was fine by me, because I got my money back, and I was going to see it in 3D again anyway. And it's not as if I don't know what's going to happen.

James Cameron is a great director. He can put together an action sequence like nobody's business. And the visuals in this movie, even in 2D, were breathtaking. This movie is definitely a game changer. Well done.

So why can't the guy learn how to write?

The plotline is Dances with Blue Wolves, only less subtle. The juvenile politics were tiresome. And the clunky little anti-Bush shout-outs - "Let's fight terror with terror! Shock and awe! Let's win hearts and minds!" - seem as dated as Lewinsky jokes.

Avatar is a prime example of earth worship. If only those pesky humans would get out of the way, things would revert to their Edenic state! I worship earth's Creator, not His creations. I'm getting used to Hollywood demonizing me for that, but it's still kind of annoying.

I have to go now. Back to the tiny house with no Internet access. Weep for me.

So Close to Greatness...

So if you haven't seen this, watch it. You'll need it as background for today's post.



Actually, I thought that was far gentler and funnier than it could have been. All in all, it was very much a positive.

I wasn't the only one who thought so.

One of my friends works for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir - not to be confused with Conan's Mormon Tapper-nacle Choir. The day after this aired, he called Conan's people to suggest that the Mormon Tabernacles would be interested in responding. Very quickly, he was speaking to Conan O'Brien's executive producer, who said that they'd be very interested.

Then he called me.

He had about twenty minutes before he was going to go in and pitch this idea to the powers that be. He wanted to go in armed with something the Choir could sing that would be an appropriate response - funny and cutting edge without being cruel or embarrassing. And he needed it pretty much in about ten minutes.

So I churned out the following three verses, sung to the tune of "O Tannenbaum." I include it with annotated explanations for the Conan uninitiated:

We really liked
Your Mormon song
The one that Max was singing [I kind of liked "the one the Jew was singing," but that was too nasty.]

On drums, we know
He’s apropos
On vocals, he’s no Springsteen [Max Weinberg was and is the drummer for Springsteen's E Street Band.]

Now we reply in harmony
Bill Shatner sings there; why can’t we? [Reference to the very popular Shatner/Palin sketches.]

So here’s our new Tonight Show song
Enjoy the payback, Andy. [Andy Richter, Conan's sidekick who claimed you can find out about Mormons by watching Children of the Corn.]
____________

Los Angeles seems good for you
And much of what you’re doing

We’re glad you dropped those characters
Unfit for family viewing [This is the closest I could come to directly referencing the Masturbating Bear.]

We offer you a yule log
To lose that insult comic dog

We dug those puppies dressed as cats
That’s really worth pursuing [A fun sketch that Conan does regularly]

____________

We hope you’ll come and visit us
If you get further inland

All of us can’t wait to meet
The Prime Minister of Finland [Reference to long-running Conan gag about the fact that he looks exactly like the Prime Minister of Finland - who is female.]

We think that you’re the better man
We’d never go on Letterman

So Merry Christmas one and all
Nothing rhymes with Finland.

____________

That's it. I think it's mildly clever on its own but would be riotously funny if the entire choir were to sing it. My friend agreed, and I waited to hear back as he ran it up the flagpole with the powers that be.

I spent about two or three hours reveling in the idea that I had just written something that would be performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on the Tonight Show. I imagined my inevitable new career as the Tonight Show's new head writer, and I was wondering where I would live upon my triumphant return to Los Angeles and show biz stardom.

Alas, it was not to be.

It's a no go. The Choir, it seems, doesn't do comedy of any stripe. They are considered official representatives of the Church, and to get permission to do this, they'd have to get direct approval from the First Presidency. Which is about as likely as me flapping my arms and flying to the moon.

Still, I had a good time. And it makes for an above average blog entry.

Cleta's First Talk in Sacrament Meeting

My talk is about Jesus Christ, the prince of peace. This title for Christ comes from the scripture in Isaiah 9:6. It says: ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.’

Many of the Jewish people believed that this meant that Christ would be a powerful military leader that would bring peace to the Jews. However, that isn’t the kind of peace Christ gives. In John 14:26, it says: ‘But the comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will sent in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.’

The peace that Christ promises isn’t world peace. In fact, more wars have been fought in Christ’s name than any other person. The peace that Christ promises is peace within us. This kind of peace only comes if we pray and have faith.

My mom discovered this while she was serving a mission in Chile. The first Christmas she was there, she was homesick and miserable. But the second Christmas, she loved it. She loved the people she was teaching and she had found the kind of peace that Christ promised.

Another example of finding peace comes from a book title, My Parents Married on a Dare by Carlfred Broderick. He was a stake president at the time when this story was taking place. A lady in the stake had just had a new baby daughter. While her husband was at the hospital with her visiting the baby, the lady’s two year old daughter drowned while being babysat. The two year old was in the hospital for two months breathing on life support while everyone in his ward fasted and prayed for him constantly. He was given many priesthood blessings, but soon it became clear that the child was dying. They finally decided to let him go back to his father in heaven, and took him off the life support. Just a week before the two year old died, the lady’s newborn was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. The babies were both placed in the same hospital room. When the two year old finally died, his mother bore her testimony at his grave. This is what she said.

“I am content that God be God. I will not try to instruct him on his duties or on his obligations toward me or toward any of his children. I know he lives and loves me, that he is God. He’s not unmindful of us. We do not suffer out of his view. He does not inflict pain upon us, but he sustains us in our pain. I am his daughter; my son is also his son; we belong to him, and we are safe with him. I used to think we were safe from grief and pain here because of our faith. I know now that is not true, but we are safe in his love We are protected in the most ultimate sense of all-we have a safe home forever. That is my witness.”

This lady truly found the kind of peace that Christ gives. And that is why Christ is truly called the Prince of Peace.